Pain, Pain, Go Away

Content advisory: anxiety, depression, passive suicide

I get panic attacks. Blinding spots cross my vision, my head explodes into an instant migraine, and uncontrollable tears flow freely like a well that will never run dry. Gut wrenching pain that manifests throughout my whole body, imitating the feeling of a heart attack. With the stress the attacks cause, I wouldn’t be surprised if I have experienced a minor heart attack in the midst of an episode.

I’ve thought about checking myself into a mental hospital, but that feels like a weakness that I am trying desperately to overcome. Anxiety relief vitamins and anti-stress medication works, sometimes. But there are times when my mind dives into a dark hole that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. The darkness is imbedding itself into my heart like a permanent scar. My mind is on the verge of giving up and succumbing to the demons that want me to end it all. The ones that I know are lying to me, but they are also telling me all the things that I want to hear in order for it to be okay, for it to be justified.

I am only 32 years old. And I have found myself wishing and praying that God would take me in the middle of the night so that I wouldn’t have to wake up in pain anymore. The desire to die is there, but there is no desire to be the one to do it. If God could do it for me, then it doesn’t feel like it’s a sin to wish for death. But it’s not really death I want. What I want is relief from the psychological pain that becomes physical pain. A pain that is sharp as a knife, penetrating from a decaying heart.

The only real relief that comes is when I am asleep. The darkness of sleep lulls me into a sense of safety and comfort, an illusion that shatters the moment that I open my eyes in the morning. When I wake up, I have to force myself to fight. And I am so tired of this particular fight.

Deanna Davidson received a Bachelor's Degree in Creative Writing from California State University, Northridge in May 2025. She writes dystopian, fantasy, and sci-fi short stories, as well as children's literature and poetry. Publications include "Transformational Essence", published in Sword & Kettle Press, and "Descent From Hell", published in Flash Phantoms.

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